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BorowitzReport Archives
ASHCROFT AGREES TO ‘QUEER EYE’ MAKEOVER
Hopes Softer Image Will Help Sell Patriot Act
Attorney General John Ashcroft, on a nationwide tour to promote the controversial Patriot Act, has turned to the stars of the hit TV show “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” to give him what has been called a “radical makeover” to help soften his image.
Karl Rove, the White House's top political advisor, was reportedly behind the decision to unleash the so-called “Queer Eye” makeover on the Attorney General.
“After it became clear that Ashcroft was just scaring everybody on the Patriot Act tour, Karl had to sit him down and say, ‘John, it's time to fluff you up,’” one White House aide said.
While the Attorney General was stumping for the Patriot Act in Lansing, Michigan, the makeover team rolled up their sleeves and started redoing Mr. Ashcroft's Washington, D.C. apartment, pulling up ‘70’s-era shag carpeting that Queer Eye spokesman Carson Kressley called “strictly Mr. Roper.”
Then the team descended on Mr. Ashcroft himself, throwing out his entire wardrobe, deemed by Mr. Kressley to be “beyond Bob Barker.”
They also took the Attorney General on a trip to the hair salon, giving Mr. Ashcroft a spiky, gelled coiffure – “very Harrison Ford, post-Callista,” as Mr. Kressley described it.
Washington observers were surprised that Mr. Ashcroft would collaborate with the “Queer Eye” team to remake his appearance, but the Attorney General's dedication to the Patriot Act apparently overrode any initial resistance on his part.
“If it'll help me get 24-hour surveillance of every man, woman and child in this country, I'll shave my chest and dress like fricking RuPaul,” Mr. Ashcroft told reporters.
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