warning - kind of long.
i have been feeling like crap lately, even with the meds i've started taking. i was on meds about 4 years ago, quit without telling my doctor after a few months, and swore i'd never go back on them. a few weeks ago i gave up and went to the doctor, like i said near the beginning of this. these new meds helped so much at first, but now it seems i'm going back to where i was before i started taking them, and it just keeps getting worse. i had a wreck saturday. my back and neck are still bothering me. both my knees are bruised, and they are starting to ache as well. my whole body feels achey and bruised, everything hurts, especially if touched, but i don't know if that's from the wreck, or if i'm just having weird aches. a friend i talk to on-line, i'm having problems with him. first thing this morning. my friends here, i see them at school and that's it, except for one i sometimes 'hang out' with or talk to on the phone. we've been out of school all week due to snow and ice, so i haven't seen or spoken to anyone since friday. as i said to someone earlier, i wish the friends i've made on-line lived here, or me there. i know i should go out with my other friends, do more stuff, but it's hard for me to be around people, and i don't really enjoy talking out loud. i'm so much more comfortable talking on-line where i don't have to speak, or worry about how i look. i always feel i look like absolute sh!t, no matter what clothes i wear or how i do my make-up & hair. and i'm always so tired. if it's not my turn for the computer, i'm sleeping. nothing interests me anymore. if one of the friends i'm closer to isn't on-line, i usually go back to bed. and i have no appetite. i've lost 3 or 4 pounds this week alone. when i force myself to eat something, i feel extremely sick. i've been wanting to cry so badly the past week or so, but i don't want to give in. i don't know how long i can keep it up though. this may sound stupid, but i haven't been going near sharp objects. i'm a "cutter" ... but i haven't done it in a few months, and i don't want to start back. i'm scared i'll hurt myself badly, or worse, because i've been thinking about death a lot lately. what scares me the most is the fact that i have my suicide planned out. what to do with my stuff, money, how i'd do it, everything. i don't want to die, but at the same time i do, and i feel like if i ever get to the point where i somehow get brave enough, i won't be able to stop myself. and today, anything and everything has been bothering me. i just don't know what to do anymore, i've tried everything i can think of.
if anyone has read this far, thanks for listening...